A recent Radio 4 programme “Between Ourselves” interviewed Clinical Psychologist Oliver James and Educational Psychologist Laverne Antrobus about parenting.
When asked what a child needs more than anything else Oliver James replied “all they really need is responsive, sensitive care from the same person” and Laverne Antrobus replied “a very reliable adult who is really prepared to think of them, and have their mind available to them”.
Oliver James said that he believes it is really important for one parent to stay with the child until three years of age. He said that parents can become focussed on parenting methods, whereas the needs of children under three are very simple. He said that the most difficult task as a parent is “actually getting your head into the right place”, and he recommends that for mothers especially, (because mothers still tend to be the primary caregivers), there are three things they need to consider in depth about themselves in order to be able to get into the right frame of mind to parent effectively. He said these are:
· their own childhood and how that impacts on how they behave as a parent
· the conflict between their identity as a mother and their identity as a worker
· their relationship with their partner and how that can be modified to the maximum advantage of each partner and the child/children
He suggested that it is important for mothers to make arrangements that really suit them and enable them to meet the needs of their under threes, or to employ another individual, such as a child minder, to fulfil this.
Laverne Antrobus agreed and said that in our consumer driven society some parents perceive children as “an accessory” to their lives, and this creates problems because parents may not be prepared for instances when the child inevitably does not fit in with their plans. She said that she is concerned that people do not seem to think seriously enough about having children before they become parents.
Oliver James described three trends in parenting in the Western world that have grown in the last ten years that he considers to be concerning. The first trend is day-care. He suggests that parents have been persuaded by the idea that children need stimulation and the company of other children, but there is no evidence for this, whereas there is a lot of evidence that what they need is the attention of one adult who is familiar to them. The second trend is ‘positive psychology’ which encourages the accentuation of the positive and the elimination of the negative. He said this again is not well supported by the evidence and in contrast attempting to boost children’s self esteem regardless of good or bad behaviour has been shown to encourage antisocial behaviour. The third trend is for strict behavioural routines, as taught by proponents of such things as the naughty step and time out. He gave a caveat that such strategies may be important where parental management of a child’s behaviour has completely broken down, as a first step to regaining some consistency.
Laverne Antrobus disagreed with this third point and said that she had used time out with her children because this would allow her some cooling off time if she felt an interaction with them had become difficult. Oliver James agreed that time out would be preferable to a parent losing their temper with their child.
When asked by the interviewer about “monster children” who assault or kill other children, Oliver James said that we know that extreme maltreatment in childhood produces such behaviour and it is nothing to do with their genes, so they should not be described as evil. Laverne Antrobus said that as a society it can be unbearable for us to accept our responsibility in allowing such extreme maltreatment to occur and that is why she thinks it is reported as it is in the media. Oliver James pointed to evidence that abuse in childhood affects brain development, and both interviewees raised their concern that there are some children for whom the abuse and maltreatment they have experienced has been so severe that no intervention is going to be able to repair this damage.
In conclusion Laverne Antrobus and Oliver James agreed that in ordinary circumstances ‘good enough’ parenting is sufficient, and what all parents should aim for, and the most important elements of this are love and empathy.
